It's been 38 official days since I've been battling to shed the weight and it's just under a week of being Vegan. Including tomorrow, the month of September will wrap up for me having exercised 12 times and we are now charging towards October where I will continue this success.
I particularly wanted to discuss the implications of pushing oneself to the limit and the extremist's line whereby once crossed, return is no longer an option.
I, am not an extreme person. If you look at me there isn't much extreme about me besides being extremely obsessed with food. The one time I took dieting to the extreme I came out the other end pretty ill so since then, taking the risk was just too much of a...well, a risk. So these days when I look at myself in the mirror every morning and weigh myself every other morning, I find myself wondering whether I'm going a bit far.
Don't get me wrong I'm not getting anywhere near anorexia and I'm not deluded. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing and I understand that some of it seems a bit sick (hence this post) and I know how it helps me, that, I do not need to justify to anyone. However I do wonder about some of the other things that goes through my mind.
Take today for instance. Today was the second day of running (this week) and I always find Wednesdays the hardest every week because the day before I would have pushed myself so hard that I would be breathing in my sweat. Nonetheless I was running for at least 30 minutes and it was more than I would have done otherwise. So you would think I would be patting myself on the back, right? On the contrary, I ended up really disappointed because I found my focus dwindling and I just did not push as hard as I did before. I'm laughing now as I write this because I realise just how irrational that is but at the time, it was very serious and I was so annoyed. The thing is, quite clearly, I expect a lot from myself and I am afraid of going back to being fat and having 'fat mentality'
Following on from this I'm finding myself losing my way through the Vegan diet because I am no longer counting calories. In theory this is a good thing because I love being free of this obsessive behaviour but I'm worrying constantly about whether I've overeaten because there is no longer a measure in which guides me. In retrospect, I can see that you cannot really overeat being the vegan I am. The diet consists of almost zero saturated fat and I'm eating whole, nutritious foods and I'm giving my body exactly what it needs. The trouble come when I feel like I've eaten 'too much' of something and it might be either my whole grains, soya, salt or, would you believe - fruit. I know this is particularly stupid but this is EXACTLY what I'm saying. It's not that I'm going to the extremes of my diet but I am thinking very irrationally to make up for what is seemingly like a no-need-for-control diet.
What I have to realise is that the fact that having no rules is a positive thing, therefore when making the right choices, my control is regained and my worries are soothed. I know that I'm over-thinking a lot of things and that I will put right as of tomorrow. I need to learn to listen to my body more and allow that to be my measure, my 'points' or 'calories' and I need to think with my brain as well as my stomach.
Having written all of the above I do want to make a point of the fact that I really am starting to slip into my sugary habits again. Having discovered the allowance and goodness of the likes of Agave Nectar and Malt Extract, I've been using it excessively to give myself that same sugar hit I was once addicted to. I can see my snacking choices are turning from carrot to granola and I've noticed I'm giving into processed goods a little bit more. Be it 'whole grain' or not, I do NOT eat processed, so why I was eating Taco shells today I do not know. I'm not going to be too harsh on myself but tomorrow, I am a super hero vegan once again.