One of the likely events I didn't quite prepare myself for is the lapsing of my bingeing habit. It's 5.32am and I've just murdered everything I've done in the last five days.
Before I went to bed I submitted a post about day 5 and just how wonderful I had done that day, but remember how I said I was hungry and I think I made bad food choices?
Well as I submitted that post I was beginning to get ravenous and I hadn't even partaken in my evening shower and face routine. By the time my head hit the pillow, my stomach was so empty I felt sick. In hindsight, I wish I had made the sensible decision to eat something small so this wouldn't happen; but I guess I just wanted perfection for the day. This is what happens when you don't listen to your body.
I woke up about half an hour ago cold from being hungry and my stomach aching with emptiness. I woke up thinking about food and within seconds I shot out of bed and marched to the kitchen. It was like my whole body was possessed by the old-fat me and I could not shake her off. I allowed myself to do what my craziness wanted because I needed to feel the crappiness in the morning to teach myself a lesson. Like a movie, I watched myself rip open the fridge and like a crocodile I snapped at the things closest within close range. In went for a cold, deep fried chicken wing that Mum insisted on keeping in the fridge (I'm not blaming her but I KNEW I should have thrown those out). What was next? Some pickles! I almost went back in my room but my eyes caught the wholemeal English Muffins. As if my body knew I didn't allow myself to eat those, it took revenge by scoffing one too. I even had the audacity to toast it! It doesn't end there, I decided to throw in my favourite piece of smoked mackerel in the mix. As I made my strange fish muffin I was feeling rather ashamed because by this time, my craziness was beginning to subside. Why was this happening to me, again?
I sat down with my demon sandwich and began munching the salty flavoursome badness. It wasn't long before I felt a bit sick because of how fast I was eating and the strange texture of only carbohydrate and meat. So in my clever wisdom I decided to grab one of my organic tomatoes and eat that. I think in my head I felt better for eating a vegetable but in reality I was just adding calories and fooling myself.
When I finished, I took a swig of water and slumped back into my cold bed and tried to sleep. I could not even close my eyes because my stomach is now bloated and full to the brim. This is not an ideal situation.
I'm scratching my head thinking about why this has happened. Let me try and break it down but it is 5.45am and it's not like I've demonstrated sanity so bear with me.
- I wonder if it's because I ate too big of a lunch and therefore eating a very small dinner had caused me to be hungry at midnight? I'm unsure but this could be it. In saying this, I had a fair bit of food in the evening and it should have tide me over.
- My second theory is that perhaps the mid-day bowl of white rice was not a good idea. Sticky, white carbohydrates must have caused my sugar levels to drop so I woke up cold and hungry.
- I hope its one of the above because if it happens to be theory three then I'm really worried. My final theory is that perhaps I've been pushing myself too hard and it was my body's way of rebelling. It knew that I had little discipline, will or rationality at this time of morning so it was the easiest way to get to what it wanted. God forbid that happened because now I'm afraid to sleep.
I hate that I talk about 'my body' as if I have so little control that my soul, mind, and body are all separate entities. The truth is I think that is so until I learn how to control everything that is actually mine, but I just have not managed to do so.
I considered that the meal I just ate was about 400 calories and perhaps I should deduct that from my 1200kcal allowance of day six. But I've decided that I will omit it and do some exercise when I wake up. If I ate 800kcal only I would probably repeat this mornings mistakes and perhaps collapse in the London bar I will be partying in.
I'm mad at myself and myself only. What an outrageous sabotage to everything I've been working for. I don't want to beat myself up about it but I am utterly ashamed and disappointed. It's sad to know that this journey isn't just about doing things like a soldier but actually listening to my body and never depriving it.
And what are my lessons learned? Perhaps I will never allow white rice to touch my lips again but that's unlikely. I will eat if I'm beginning to get hungry and if I wake up in a cold sweat like this morning I will sip water and have a banana instead of a fish muffin.
The worst thing is I now have a headache and I've disrupted my sleep, bad time. No doubt I'm now going to have a nightmare and the rest of the day will be a struggle. I will report back in the evening and it's probably not going to be pretty.
PS, I just realised on top of everything, I filled up and drank from the wrong water bottle. Someone will not be happy when they wake up.