Saturday, 21 August 2010

Moving on and never looking back

 

You can call me anything you like so as long as it's not rude. If you're stuck for names, you can call me Helen but most of my life I've been called "Fey Mui" which translates to "little fat girl" in Cantonese. 

I've reached a point in my life where everything is changing; people are leaving, growing up, moving out, looking better, looking worse, getting jobs and breaking up.  For me I feel like I've been standing still for so long and I really do feel like its my time to shine.

I want to begin this journey by giving you a brief summary of my diet history as well as my lifestyle.  Without knowing this, the rest of what is going to happen will probably confuse you.

It all started between the age of 6-9 (my memory fails me on a regular basis) and I flew back to Hong Kong to visit my family and stayed for a good few months.  I went to Hong Kong a bright, healthy, skinny young child and arrived back in Blighty twice the size.  As a very young child I loved food and looking back, had it not been for that holiday I might have had a chance at being one of those adults who were skinny but ate loads, or at least understood moderation.  I remember arriving back in the airport and my whole family looking shocked.  At the time I took it lightly and didn't think much of it; now I realise how much weight I must have put on to be able to get that kind of reaction. 

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You see I started off a normal child.  I wore pretty dresses, I had a pretty face and for the most part they both still apply.  Except my life carried on and a series of weight loss and gain commenced forth.  You MAY notice this below.

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The picture above is of my high school friends and I.  I was 16 years old and I believe heading around 11 stone.  I wasn't the fattest kid around but that's not saying much giving that most kids ate junk and most of us were unhealthy and overweight.  I was at a loss around this time of my life.  Food was my comfort.

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It got really out of hand during college where lunch times consisted of cakes, sandwiches and large bottles of sugary drinks.  I didn't do much any exercise and I was always tired, not to mention the catastrophic mood swings I had.  It was around this time I attracted the attention of boys I shouldn't have and here I began my journey into becoming the insecure and somewhat angry person I am today.

 

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This is me at my heaviest in Japan.  The sad thing about this picture is that I'm happy on the outside but I was mortified that there was barely enough room for anyone else to sit on the seat with me. 

 

4a

By the end of the Japan trip, I had well and truly eaten like a King and looked like a hippo.  I felt like rubbish and I looked like rubbish too. 

 

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What you see above is probably half a year later where I was at my skinniest.  I will talk about Sureslim in a later post but I launched myself into a gruelling and soul destroying diet and I lost weight rapidly.  I may have looked better but I was unhappy, always hungry and forever falling asleep.

 

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It wasn't too long when I gave up Sureslim that I went to Austria to go skiing.  I remember looking at this picture horrified because I could tell I was putting on weight.  It might not look a lot here but I could tell worse was to come.  I knew this because I felt completely out of control all over again and I didn't have the courage to stop.  So the weight gain began.

 

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A particularly disgusting picture of myself consuming processed sugary goods at Thorpe Park.  At this point I didn't care.  I loved my then boyfriend and it didn't matter.  What was I doing to my body?

 

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A much sadder person here in Greenwich Park where I began to overwhelm every single picture taken again.  I still had a pretty face but the rest was just frightening.  I saw these pictures and my heart sank.

11 I decided to begin Weight Watchers and sure enough the weight loss began.  I was happy and smiling and recovering from a bad break up.  I was trying to find myself and I became a better person here.

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I found an inner confidence somehow but I was still very disturbed deep inside.  This picture was probably taken over a year ago now and I was about a size 12 here. 

 

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Surprise, surprise, I'm back here again.  Weighing at 12 stone and 9lbs (that's 180.6lbs) to some of you.  I'm heading towards unhappiness again and I cannot really fit into my size 12 clothes.  I'm definitely a 14 going on 16 again and I refuse to go back. 

 

I've done this over and over again and in time I've acquired so much knowledge on the subject.  However, as I have understood, it does not matter how much you know, it's about how willing you are and how much you want it.  I can tell you EXACTLY what I should be doing but I never do it.  Why?

I can put it down to being incredibly lazy; it's hard to begin because the emotional journey that goes along with it is gruelling and my past experiences were not happy ones.  My relationship with food has always been an unhealthy one where by I can classify myself as a food snob but sometimes a good saveloy and chips really hits the spot.  In other words, there isn't much I do not like.  As well as this, my ability to know when enough to enough has disappeared so the portions I eat are getting bigger everyday.  I know and understand a lot about healthy eating and I have some knowledge on exercise.  I've done it before and I can do it again but will I?

So what about my lifestyle?  I'm a student that doesn't 'booze' much at all and eats relatively healthily.  I cook my own meals regularly but my downfall is my weakness against processed carbohydrates as well as fatty meals when dining out.  My exercise routine can be classed as sedentary and I am also an emotional eater.  One of the classic traits I also have is that I began a habit of eating when I'm bored and always clearing my plate even if I'm stuffed.  Grazing cannot be used to describe my snacking habit; it's more like 'get as much food in me as possible when I can'/  It's things like these I will shake off.

I've been on a healthy lifestyle change for a while now and my skin is thanking me as are my moods.  However I'm struggling to shift the weight so I must kick into action The Slimming Strategy.  The amusing thing about that statement is that I do not particularly have a strategy that will wow you.  I plan to eat right, eat less, exercise more and love my body, mind and soul. The specifics of my 'diet' lifestyle change shall be revealed in the next blog post; I was just hoping to fill you in and give you a bit of inspiration to kick start your journey too.

 

This is a journey I hope you support me in and I promise, I will not fail you or myself.

Here's to a lifestyle change,

Helen

 

PS.  I cannot guarantee a post every single day but I think I can manage most :) 

6 comments:

  1. I understand majorly what you are going through!! I was always a little bit chubby as a kid but through Senior School I got bigger and bigger, went to college and went through phrases of loosing half a stone in one week to putting it back on the next because of what I ate, and what I did. I never dieted, just ate crap but sometimes I would barely eat at all (hence the half a stone in a week) After college I didn't really do anything except sit on my arse and eat. So I went from 11 stone to 12 stone to nearly 13 stone in the past 4 years (I am currently hovering between 12.5 and 13 but I never hit 13) and I'm only 5' 4. I can fit size 10-12 dresses as long as they are flared at the hips (where most of my fat is plus a tubby belly!!) So I am with you all the way girl!! I hope to loose weight starting Monday, as I eat healthily BUT I eat crap on top of the fruit and veg I eat in the day plus I do not exercise!! I hope we both get success in the end!! I will encourage you all the way <3

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  2. It's lovely (but also sad) to know I'm not the only one! I really hope we can do this together :) I will supporting you all the way and thank you for following my blog!

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  3. you are so much like me , i eat when im bored and upset too and i put on weight when im on holiday , I was a skinny child who ate lots of junk and never put any weight on but in the past two years i've gone up to a size 10 , i no its not much but my thighs and belly got bigger in summer , its all the ben & jerrys lol. Good luck in your weight loss and i love your beauty channel :)

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  4. Weight loss is definitely hard. There are so many good restaurants and junk food that I sometimes feel that I have to eat so much. It does take a lot of self control and it's really hard to not eat something that you want. I myself am trying to eat healthy. I've removed soda from my diet and I'm trying to eat less meat. There was a time that I would try to fill my plate as much as I could and I was eating almost as much as my dad. Then I started to notice myself in pictures and when I had to get a bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding, I realized that I had gained weight. So I decided to workout to lose it. I started doing home workouts (Billy Blank's Tae Bo) since there isn't a gym nearby. It worked and then I slacked off and I pretty much led a sedentary lifestyle. Only recently, this year, did I start workout again. There is this one channel that I follow now that has incredible workouts. It's hard at the beginning but what isn't. I figured that if I keep at it I would be able to do all the workouts with no problems =) Here is her channel if you want to check her out: http://www.youtube.com/user/charliejames1975

    And some tips on eating that I've learned from writing an article for my Anatomy and Physiology course...I've learned to eat small meals throughout the day. It is suggested to eat only when you are hungry and to let your body tell you when to eat. I know this is really hard. I had trouble with this, but I'm getting the hang of it. It seems to be working and I've already lost a little bit of weight. Also, after you've eaten it takes time for your body to tell your brain that you are full. I believe it takes about 20 minutes. So, after eating a meal, wait 20 minutes or so before deciding to eat something else. I don't know if you know all this already but I just wanted to share it with you just in case you didn't.

    I wish you luck and I hope everything works out for you =)

    ~Nikki

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  5. never knew you felt that way, have always seen you as such a bubbly happy and gorgeous girl. hope you find your way babe :) ill be following and supporting u xxxxxxxxxx

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  6. <3 I hope you are doing well. I am battling the same thing, I've always been between a sz 10-12 and having a flat tummy, pear shape it didn't bother me... NOW I had a baby and my body is horrid. I am going to continue to check on your page. Reading this helped me. THANKS!

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